Some horror movies make you go, “OMG, that was so scary, I had to watch it with my eyes closed. I am so gonna have bad dreams, tonight!” while other horror movies make you go, “The killer just killed that naked girl with a giant maxchete! Does the human body really have that much blood?” Now, another type of horror movie has come out that will make you go, “That was super scary! Wait, I don’t understand what happened.” That movie is The Thing.

Kate and Boyfriend Visit Giant Icehole (NOTE-This sounds like they are visiting a big jerk, but it's actually an icehole and not an a-hole)

Actress and female Maryelizabeth Winstead has created a movie that is one of the most original and confusing horror movies ever made by a woman. Go, girl! The movie is a mixture of scary stuff, gross stuff, confusing stuff and only one cute guy. Keep in mind that if you are snowaphobic, you should not see this movie because there is a lot of snow. If you love the snow, don’t put your hopes up because, despite there being nothing but snow, none of the characters snowboard even once. This pretty much killed my hope that there would be a scene of Maryelizabeth escaping from an alien that learned to snowboard. “Cowa-bleep-bloop, braw!”

Book About Kate's Job

The Thing centers around Maryelizabeth’s character Kate who flies to the North Pole to work with a group of Eskimos who look for scientific things in the snow. Kate is a paleontologist, which is like a nutritionist who follows the paleo diet, which is a way cave people ate thousands of years ago. While that sounds like a super boring job, it pays off because the Eskimo scientists find a UFO alien buried in the ice and determine him to be thousands of years old, the same age as Kate’s diet.

They bring the alien to the Eskimo house and, while we would naturally expect the alien to be nice and teach the Eskimos alien stuff and the Eskimos teach the alien to listen to rap music, so he puts on sunglasses and starts acting like a gang rapper and totally changes his UFO spaceship so it has tinted windows and hugantic speakers…well, that doesn’t happen. Instead, one of the Eskimos drill into the alien who is stuck in ice and it totally pisses him off because, hello, he got…drilled…into.

"Okay, guys. Ha ha. I get it, I drilled an alien. Real mature. Do you really have to film this?"

From here, the alien starts killing the Eskimo scientists and then, to cover its tracks, creates mannequins of them that look sort of normal. Then, it is up to Maryelizabeth and the one cute guy to figure out who is human and who are mannequins with insides that look like a cross between alien worms and melted cheese from a piece of pizza that was left out too long, but you’re hungry so you reheat it and it’s just not the same. When Maryelizabeth finds the mannequins, she sets them on fire with a fire extinguisher that somehow shoots fire. Huh?! I thought burning the alien was a bad idea because there’s no way to know what the alien worms are made of. Yeah, they might smell like s’mores, but they might also smell like poop. Yuck!

"I'm ain't touching it. You do it." "Nuh-uh. You do it." "Not even if you pay me." "Well, I'm not, either."

Even though he killed people, I felt sorry for the alien just because it was so obvious he wasn’t very talented at making mannequins look real. To case the point, he made one mannequin with two faces! I don’t know how you would say ‘God, I suck so bad at this!’ in alien, but I bet he said it because no one was fooled by that mannequin. Another problem I had was that everyone was so scared of the alien and wanted to leave the Eskimo camp and yet no one used their cell phone to call for help. If it had been me, I would’ve just sent a text to my parents: ‘SOS!’ (this means ‘SO Scared’ in shorthand)

Movies are shot with movie cameras that use movie camera film. When the camera runs out of film, though, you can’t film any more of your movie. Obviously, this happened to Maryelizabeth and she couldn’t finish her movie because the movie just sort of ends and we’re all Huh?:

1. Why did Maryelizabeth’s character totally freak the &%$# out when her boyfriend forgot to wear his earring? It’s not like she gave it to him as an anniversary gift or anything. What a bitch!
2. When two of the Eskimos find out that the alien made a mannequin out of a dog and chase it with a helicopter, what happens? Do they kill the mannequin dog? Do they capture it and do experiments on it and discover a medicine that cures mannequinism, so they can adopt the dog as a pet?

Maryelizabeth Trying To Impress The Alien By Standing Around Looking Aloof

Lastly, while I totally respect Maryelizabeth for making a horror movie in the snow and releasing it without an ending, I thought her title was kind of lame. The Thing? That’s so lazy! She may as well of called it The Object or The It or The WTF Is That? or whatever.

Beside from the ending, I thought the movie was really well done and it did have some scary scenes. I wished Maryelizabeth had asked cuter actors to play the other characters because I think more people would have been sad when they died. For me it was kind of like, “Oh, that sucks that guy died, but he was old” or “had a gross beard” or “had lame hair”, so I wasn’t all that sad.

I give The Thing 4 out of 5 winks.

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Tags: alien, blockbuster, Cuteness, entertainment, film, horror, monster, Movie, movie review, north pole, snow, the thing, winstead, youthful opinion