Movie Review: Green Lantern « Valerie Atherton's Playground and Intellectual Dept.

The color green can mean a lot of things in movies. Sometimes green is meant to be money, sometimes green is meant as clean energy like solar-powered windmills or cars that create electricity, but other times the word ‘green’ means drugs (i.e. pot, weeds, marijuana, lcd, etc.)

Some people say drugs should be legal, while other people say drugs are bad and should remain illegal like some people from Mexico. Personally, I have never smoked or drank drugs or even cooked with them, but some people who do are really brave and very open about their addiction. One such person is Seth Rogen.

Seth Rogen Uses His Drug Gun to Become A Superhero

Seth Rogen is an actor who does a lot of movies where he does drugs in the movie. When people said drugs were making him fat, he lost weight. When they told him drugs make him lazy, he made a movie about a superhero who got his powers from a gun that shoots pot smoke in his face. Weird idea, but it worked. Seth Rogen’s Green Lantern was so into the power of drugs, that his car was even green. Seth Rogen is soooo nuts!

I have no proof of this, but I am assuming that the following scenario I’m making up is completely true: One day, Seth Rogen was at a Hollywood party and doing his drugs when he decided to tell one of his new friends about his idea about a superhero that is powered by drugs and fights bad guys. Then, his new friend stole the idea and pretended it was his own idea and made a movie about it. That friend is Ryan Reynolds.

That’s right, Ryan Reynolds went and made his own Green Lantern movie. So, not only did he divorce Scarlett, but now he’s a thief. What a jerk!

"I'm not touching you. Does this bother you, Lantern? I'm nothing touching you."

It’s obvious that Mr. Reynolds had a lot more money to spend ($ he stole from Scarlett?) on his movie than Seth Rogen did because the new Green Lantern movie has a lot of CGI and special effects. While he tried to make the story completely different than Seth’s, it is obvious that Mr. Reynolds was doing drugs the entire movie because this superhero story is super strange and makes super no sense.

RR plays a guy who loses his job flying planes with his girlfriend, Blake Lively.* Not really weird, so far, right? Well next, he is sad (awwww) and walking around a field when, get this, an alien crashes his spaceship in order to give Mr. Reynolds a ring. WTF? At first, I thought the alien giving him the ring was going to say something like, ‘Oh, on my planet, gay aliens can get married and no one cares and I saw you online and wanted you to have this ring because I-I…love…’ and then he dies. I was looking forward to that happening. That didn’t happen. Instead, RR just takes the ring and a lantern (RR didn’t try to take the alien to a hospital, he just took the guy’s stuff), gets his new super powers and then goes to the planet Oa to meet all of the other aliens that dress the same, have the same powers and have names like old Egypt mummies or something.

"Pink Hulk smell something on RR. Oh, it desperation and guilt. Pewww."

I have no idea what RR was thinking. The name of the planet is kind of lazy. You can tell that when he was designing it, he was thinking, ‘when everyone sees this planet, they’re gonna be all ‘Ohhh’ and ‘Ahhh’, so I’m gonna think I’m clever and call it that. Wow, I think I’m so smart and attractive because I work out and cheat on my wife’. Next, who uses a lantern? Except people who live in antique stores, nobody uses lanterns, anymore. Use a flashlight, weirdo!

“No way, man. I’m Ryan Reynolds and I’m gonna try to be all retro with a lantern. Blah, blah, more stupid things I’m saying, blah, blah.”

Later, there is a big yellow alien that makes a scientist so smart that his head gets really huge.

How huge, Valerie?

Not as huge as RR’s stupid ego. LOL

"My ego? Oh, I dunno. I'd say, about this big."

RR’s character’s power is that he only has to imagine something and it becomes real and he gets credit for it. Kind of like how Seth Rogen imagined this character and now RR is trying to get credit for it. Jerk.

I was really hoping RR’s Green Lantern would die at the end or get really fat so that his fingers swell so big that he can’t get the ring off and the doctors have to cut off his fingers and then every time he waved at someone they would get all grossed out and not talk to him. That didn’t happen, though. Instead, Ryan “I’m way too good for my ex-wife” Reynolds saves the city from the bad guy and hangs out with his girlfriend.*

"I'm gonna need to take that ring back. That's what I do." -- Ryan Stupid Reynolds

Having been told that I sort of look like Scarlett Johanssen, I really like her as an actress, so I was hoping this movie would be lame and I wasn’t let down.

Green Lantern should have been rated R for Ryan-Reynolds-needs-to-get-over-himself.

I give Seth Rogen’s Green Lantern 5 out of 5 winks.

I give RR’s Green Lantern 1 out of 5 winks.

*The girlfriend is played by Blake Lively who is amazing because she has to be a girlfriend and someone who has a job flying planes. This was inspiring to me as a girl and as someone who has been someone’s girlfriend. Go Blake!

NOTE: Although a number of drug-addicted celebrities have already undergone drug rehab programs, there are still many of them who refuse to do so. If you know any celebrities who are doing drugs, have them click on the link.

Valerie Atherton's Playground and Intellectual Dept.:

Movie Review: Green Lantern

Similar Posts: