Whether you are a Christian, Muslamic person (they’re the ones on the news with beards like hippies used to wear) or even Antagonist, I think we can agree that it’s pretty much a given that Jesus is going to come back someday. When he does, he’ll give all of the good people mansions in heaven, but bring some serious hurt to all the bad, evil and superbad people of the world.  But, I’m sure some bad people are saying, “Oh, big deal. He doesn’t scare me. I’ve seen photos of him and he’s not that tough.”

"I'm an angel." "Uh, yeah. We can see that." "That's a grave." "Uh, yeah. We can see that." "I'm an angel." "Ugh..."

And they would be right in saying so. The only pictures we ever see of Jesus is when he’s crying or sitting at that huge table and shrugging because his friends are all arguing about something and he’s caught in the middle. So, no, not someone I’d worry about beating me up if I was a bad guy.

Then, how do you make current bad people be super afraid of Jesus? You make him way cooler, tougher and, sorry to say, way-y-y-y cuter. A new guy named Chris Helmsworth had this idea and made a big-time blockbuster movie out of it.

Regular, boring Jesus (no offense)

Why Mr. Helmsworth had to call it Thor and not just Jesus is beyond me. I guess, if Mr. Helmsworth actually used Jesus’ name as the main character, he might get sued by Jesus’ relatives or whoever owns the copyrighted trademarks or whatever. Like people say, it’s always better to be safe, then sorry.

The movie starts in Heaven where God gets mad at Thor Jesus for getting into a fight, so punishes him by taking away his hammer (um, okay…) and then sending him to live on Earth. Of course, they never say it’s God who’s the dad, but you can totally recognize him even though they gave him an eye patch to maybe throw people off into thinking, ‘Oh, that’s not God. It’s just a pirate.’ Nice try, guys.

Way cooler Thor Jesus

Thor Jesus falls to Earth in a super sexy, tight t-shirt and I think that that was a really good scene because yum. His dad also decides to throw the hammer at Thor Jesus but misses and it gets stuck in the ground where some government people find it and build a camp around it. Quickly, Thor Jesus meets a girl, played by Natalie Portman, who is a scientist and pretty. Yay for love!

"Yarrgh. Ye must be leavin' the Heaven, son. Ye be disappointin' me."

Eventually, just like normal Jesus and his brother Satan, Thor Jesus has to deal with his jerky brother who wants to take over the Earth and do whatever with it. It’s never actually explained why he wants the Earth, but, like most bad guys in movies, it probably has something to do with drilling for oil or building golf courses. Lame, but it gives them a reason to fight, so I guess it’s a good thing.

The movie seems almost like a superhero movie, but it has what my film teacher (Hi, Coach Addalay!) likes to call ‘artsy double meanings’ buried throughout. The movie is really about Jesus and Bible-things, but told in a way that is fun and interesting.  I think, the government people building a camp around the hammer is supposed to be like how early Americans followed Jesus around to all those foreign, desert countries while he preached and collected donations and they basically camped everywhere they went. I think what Mr. Helmsworth was saying was that the government and religion are a good match (or like my mom says, ‘like a hand in a glove’. Um, sweaty?) and that they work well together in destroying Satan people. Neat message.

"You were totally staring at my chest, while I was reading, weren't you?" "Uh, no. I was looking at your necklace." "I'm not wearing a necklace, jerk."

When Thor Jesus comes to Earth, he can’t pull his hammer up out of the ground, until he learns to love Natalie Portman and get his confidence back. First of all, I’m really glad Mr. Helmsworth didn’t turn this into some kind of joke and try to get laughs because I think a lot of men in the movie theater audience probably have suffered from importance at some point. The exact message isn’t obvious, but it could be that ‘hey, don’t be ashamed if you are important because lots of older men are and sometimes you just have to be confident and maybe start dating a younger girl’ or ‘sure, your hammer might be stuck now, but keep working with it and eventually you can throw it around like you used to’ or maybe something different to different audience people. I’m not a dad, so I have no idea. I thought about talking to my dad about those scenes, but then I thought that might be too weird because…gross!

Don't put so much pressure on yourself, Thor, and maybe don't try so hard. You're probably just stressed at work.

I think a lot of people, including men and women, will enjoy this movie because it is fun, but also has a lot to say. I think women will really enjoy seeing Thor because he is way cool and modern and looks really sexy. I also liked that Thor Jesus falls in love with Natalie Portman instead of the other scientist girl, even though her boobs were way bigger. That’s a good message to guys who are superficial and is actually inspirational to a lot of girl scientists who don’t get a lot of dates because they are just smart, not smart and boob-ish.

If nothing else, seeing Thor might remind bad people how bad-ass Thor Jesus is and then say, “Ya know what? I’m going to quit that gang I am a member of, give up my drugs, marry my girlfriend who is really pretty and supportive and get a normal non-gang job because Jesus will F me up!”

I give Thor 4 out of 5 winks!

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Tags: 90265, blockbuster, cinema, Cuteness, entertainment, film, god, hollywood, jesus, Malibu, movie review, natalie portman, smartness, thor, youthful opinion