Movie Review: The Wolfman « Valerie Atherton's Playground and Intellectual Dept.

How-w-w-w-w-w-w-l at the moo-o-o-o-o-o-n that is fu-u-u-u-u-u-l-l-l.

"Grr. I'm A Wolfman Wearing A Shirt Because I'm Going Out Later. Grr."

It seems as though werewolf people, like Kmart and the principal at my elementary school, have been around fore-v-e-r, but nobody paid much attention because they weren’t that interesting.

There’s this guy and he turns into a wolf!

Oh yeah? And what else happens?

Um, well, that’s sort of all of it.

He doesn’t have any super powers?

He, uh, he can growl. That’s pretty cool!

If I drink a lot of coffee, but not enough breakfast, my stomach growls, too…but I don’t think it’s something to base a movie on!

This always seemed to be my attitude about werewolf people for my whole life…until recently. Why?

Apparently, The Wolfman Family Has Never Heard Of Accent Colors

Well, because, in the past year, werewolves have become really popular thanks to movies like Twilight and Twilight: New Moon. Benecio Del Toro must’ve gone to see these movies and noticed that, while everyone young was in love with Jacob, the moms in the audience were bored or just felt old. The answer? An adult werewolf movie. (By adult werewolf movie, I just mean it probably isn’t a good movie for little kids because it might be scary and crying kids can be annoying)

Baby Cries. So Not Cute.

The Wolfman takes place in the 18^th or 19^th century in Europe’s London. Mr. Del Toro has been away at college when his dad calls him and tells him that his mom and brother got eaten by a dog, so he has to go back to his dad’s castle. The fact that they live in a castle, but none of them are knights makes you wanna stand up in the theater and go, “Huh?” but nobody actually did. That’s kind of like being a fisherman on a pirate ship, right? LOL!

Legend Says Some Wolfmen Jumped For Height

Anyway, so Mr. Del Toro gets attacked by at same dog, but we never find out why but we’re supposed to probably assume it’s rabies or mangy. After he gets bitten (bit? bited?), he spends the rest of the movie as…what? A wolfman, right! * SPOILER* Hunters start tracking him down and try to hunt him. Being from another country and pro-animal, I think Mr. Del Toro might get into trouble from creepy, drunken hunting groups and Alaska and Idaho because they kill wolves from airplanes, but who cares. Those states suck and are probably racist!

A Wolfman Named Johan Saving His Friend In This Old Painting

The one big complaint I have is that Mr. Del Toro’s lack of confidence. Maybe no one else even picked up on it, but I noticed that, unlike Jacob and the werewolves in Twilight, Mr. Del Toro covered up his chest and stomach a lot with ragged clothes. I’m guessing that someone told him he was getting fat and it bothered him. Even if they were joking, people still need to not say stuff like that because it can hurt someone’s feeling and they start to get weird about having carbs. So, I would like to say, hear and now, ‘Dear Mr. Del Toro, your movie was really good and you are very handsome and you should have taken your shirt off. If you’re feeling “puffy”, just don’t eat bread for a few days (which is hard because bread is soooo good) and you’ll probably feel thinner. I hope your movie makes a lot of money from tickets – xo Valerie Atherton’

No Caption Necessary

You might be wondering, why are today’s werewolves neater than other werewolves? What about Jacob and Mr. Del Toro’s werewolves do people find so appealing? I think this is because, for the first time in, like, probably forever, actors are playing Mexican-American werewolves. In our society, especially California, it’s really important for actors of all countries to be able to do a lot of roles because it reminds everyone that everyone is equal and no race is better than any other, even at being a wolfman.

I give The Wolfman 4 out of 5 winks.