"Valerie, I Order You To Choose A Team Or Die"

I remember a couple months ago when everyone in America was trying to figure out, ‘Am I a Democrat or a Christian?’ because you had to vote for President Bush or President Obama. Well, these days are even more complicated with pretty much everyone in America and countries that understand American movies trying to figure out ‘Am I on Team Edward or on Team Jacob?’

First, you have to realize it’s not really a team purse say. They don’t pay you to play a sport for them or win awards for participation. It’s really just a lot of people saying, “Hey, we’re on this side of some argument and your side is lame” and then that’s it, not much else gets done. It sounds a lot like what my dad says unions are like.

Wolves, Like Some Breeds Of Dogs Do, Growl At People They Don't Like

Back to the issue at hand which is: what team am I on? When Twilight came out, I was totally on Team Edward, but now, after seeing New Moon, I’m so not sure where I stand, anymore. My mom suggested I write down the pros and cons of each team and then see which one tips the scales (my mom has been on a diet, so she’s all about fiber and scales), so that’s what I’m going to do.

"Trying...To...Smile...But...Can't"

First off is Edward Collins. Edward is the vampire who loves Bella, but is forced to be  in school for eternity. Vampires are usually scary, right? Not Edward. He is a good guy vampire in that he doesn’t kill people and he doesn’t even swear. Oh, and he plays baseball!

PRO – Is a vampire, so he is always young and hot.

CON – You’d have to get a lot of plastic surgery to keep looking as young as him. Eventually, though, people are gonna just think you’re a cougar and he’s a kid that needs money for school.

PRO – Has skin that turns glittery in the sun.

CON – What I don’t like about this is that Robert Patterson so obviously stole this idea from that girl in the Xman movie with the diamond skin. Why do actors steal from each other?

Edward Picks Something Out Of Bella's Hair

PRO – Is over 100 years old, so he could help you get an A in history because he probably knew a lot of historic people like Paul Bunyon or George Washington or Jose Cuervo.

CON – Is over 100 years old, so he has no idea what an iPod even is and is probably afraid of electricity and fire.

PRO – Can climb trees really fast, which is only a PRO if you lose your kite or a kitten.

CON – Will always be young so will never be able to grow a beard. Sometimes scruff is sexy.

Weird Goth Kid

Next up is Jacob Black. In the first movie, he is just a weird Mexican kid that looks kind of goth, but he cuts his hair in New Moon and starts dressing more like he finally found a Gap store. Oh, and he’s a wolfman!

PRO – Can help you save money by pretending to be your seeing eye dog and get you into places for a discount.

CON – Might get into a fight with someone else’s dog and then you have to pay them insurance and restitution.

Jacob Takes His Showers Outside. Um...Okay.

PRO – Turns into a gigantic wolfman that is the size of a polar bear. No more muggers!

CON – Only turns into a wolfman. It would be nice if he could turn into different dogs or even a horse or a kitten.

PRO – Could sniff out a place to eat if you two are walking around and get hungry, but don’t know any place nearby because it’s your first time on that street, since they tore down all those old, gross apartments and put up some cute boutiques.

CON – You have to pick up after him, if you take him for a walk. GROSS! That pretty much takes the romance out of any relationship, IMO.

PRO – Is Hispanic, so your dating him is very liberal and sends a statement to people who live in southern states.

CON – Doesn’t have a steady income, so your dad might not think he’s good enough, even though your dad was living with his brother above some gym when he met your mom and obviously didn’t have as much money as he does now.

"You Can Join, If You Want. I Don't Care. Do What You Want!"

BIGGEST PROs and CONs

Edward:

BIGGEST PRO – Is a vegetarian. This means he’s green and cares about the environment, which is really important.

BIGGEST CON – Is too sullen. I don’t think he’s ever made Bella laugh. Seriously, after 100 years, he must’ve heard some jokes back in vaudeville or Broadway.

"My Team Sometimes Licks Itself In Public. Sorry."

Jacob:

BIGGEST PRO – Looks amazzzzzzing with his shirt off.

BIGGEST CON – Has to live close to the moon, so odds are you won’t be living in SoCal or even back east.

Once I weigh all those, I think I’m on Team Jacob. They’re both super cute, but at least I could go to the beach with Jacob. Besides, I would totally worry about cutting my tongue on Edward’s teeth. I would have to stop using hot sauce on my food and that would suck.

NOTE – I am not trying to sway anyone to join one team or another, I am just deciding for myself and writing as I go, like a streaming consciousness sort of thing.

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Tags: 90265, bella, blockbuster, cinema, Cuteness, edward, entertainment, hollywood, jacob, Malibu, movies, new moon, smartness, team edward, team jacob, twilight, vampire, wolfman, youthful opinion